


Quest for butts, adventures of blue spy crab

by Dodo



Series: Quest for butts [1]
Category: Team Fortress 2
Genre: M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-12
Updated: 2015-05-31
Packaged: 2018-03-22 10:54:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 14,171
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3726118
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dodo/pseuds/Dodo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The adventures of blue spy crab as he runs amok in red base for the quest of butts</p><p>silly story about a crab and butts</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Dream within a dream

**Author's Note:**

> This is old, its finished. slight heavy medic pairing nothing too illicit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Had to dig up the shitty track pad art for the story

The blu spy crab had a wonderful dream. It was perfect, gave him power, prestige, and possibly porn. Spy crabs had none of these, they were essentially the butt end joke of the universe, something to laugh at loud at and then toss out a window, or cook. They were uglier than a normal crab too, spoke usually with a French accent and crab language and French don't really mix too well. Most people have hear a spy crab talk but didn't know what they were hearing was a spy crab. It’s a clicking noise with the z sound intimately pronounced through the clicking.

There was a myth that only virgins could understand them, unfortunately that’s not completely true. Polls indicate that Russians and anyone else who uses the Cyrillic alphabet can understand spy crabs. Though, it is also known that these people usually eat the spy crab when found.

So spy crabs had nothing they are the bottom of the food chain. Even normal crabs made fun of them. This would all change once the Blu crab set his mission in motion, spy crabs would be feared and respected. There was a catch though he needed a crab friendly camera. He clicked his claws in irritation. He’s have to knick the spy’s land camera. The images developed instantly so he didn't have to try and use a dark room as a crab.

It had been easy the others had been out to battle and he just snuck in the room and climbed the bed. Rested and then found the camera. He balanced it on his head and scuttled out. It was time for his master plan.

It had taken all week to traverse the distance between the blu fort and the red fort at 2fort. He walked sideways the whole way there; of course he did it sneakily. Even if most people didn't pay attention to crabs. a crab toting a camera would draw attention. Occasionally he had to scuttle into a crack and get stuck as he tried to avoid feet and explosions.

He got into the red base by following the red heavy the slowest and easiest adversary to follow as a crab. He followed the fat man through the fort. The heavy lead him to his destination the showers. Oh yes his plan was coming along easier than expected.  
He had not expected to be suddenly lifted up by the heavy and brought face to face to the fat man.

“leetle crab”

Spy crab clutched at the camera desperate not to drop it, the heavy stared at him before smiling.

“Take my picture da?”

The spy crab obliged the fat man the fate of his existence rested in the heavy’s hand, and snapped a picture of the heavy’s face. The picture came out and the heavy seemed elated at the picture. The heavy placed the crab back on the floor but took the camera, spy’s claws clicking at the item yanked from his grasp.

“Deliver dis to doktor, den I give kamera back.”

The picture of the heavy’s face was placed in spy crab’s claws. The spy crab watched the heavy take the camera with him farther into the locker room. Sure he could try and take it back but crab verse heavy? No better to run the fool’s errand.

The corridor stretched out before him; of course the doctor had to live in the farthest area from the showers. The hallway was too long, Spy crab stopped for a moment and looked at the fat man’s stupid face. This mission was daft he wasn't sure how he was going to give it to the doctor. If the red doctor was anything like the blu one he was walking into a trap, though the image in front of him might persuade the medic otherwise.

Suddenly the spy crab was flying and then sliding down the hallway. The scent of foot lingered on as he tried to orient himself from the kick.

“What da fuck was that!” the loud and grating voice of a scout echoed through the hallway. Spy crab took it as a warning and dashed father down the hall.

The doors to the infirmary had been a hassle. He opened them by straining his little body against them till he could squeeze through. The doors clicked shut loudly, the spy wheezed, he was thirsty and tired. So tired he did not notice the clicking noise of boots.

“vat?”

The spy looked up to see a very ticked off looking medic staring at him. He waved the photo in his claw, the other claw open and ready to strike. The medic pulled the image out of his claw and his face softened. Spy crab tried to leave but suddenly he was in gloved hands and was traveling out of the infirmary.

He clicked anxiously hoping against all hope the medic was not going to the kitchen to give him his final bath. He was of course pleasantly surprised when the medic took him to the showers. He was given his camera back and a new home in the heavy’s locker, the fat man insisted leetle crab was his pet. The medic had told heavy that crabs needed water and thus the arrangement.

Spy crab clicked his mouth parts deviously the plan was working out better than thought. He'd get his images; but for now he was staying out of the showers. Heavy and medic going at it was not something he wanted to see.


	2. DOWN UNDER

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Australia, need I say more. perhaps bad accents ahead.

The first opportunity to capture a butt presented itself a fortnight later, the RED team had won the match and celebration was lasting through the night. Somewhere along the lines of partying and food the sniper had been covered in flour and various other cooking ingredients; that had put a damper on his mood. He made a beeline to the showers to get the filth off of his person.

Spy crab had been rearranging the furnishings the Heavy had gotten him; the fat man had taken his new pet seriously. Supplying spy crab with morsels of his beloved sandviches and some rags probably used to clean his adored guns. The medic had supplied the small container of fresh water that the heavy cleaned out every morning.

The slamming of the shower’s door aroused his curiosity, it had only sounded like one person had entered. It had been rather dangerous to take snapshots of the naked RED while they were all in the showers, mostly because he would be spotted with a picture of a butt coming out of his camera. He picked up his camera and scuttled out. This might be his chance to start!

He stumbled across some sticky white stuff on the ground and the crab instincts took over and he ate it. Flour, he chuckled to himself someone had been pranked. The shower in the middle started up. Spy crab carefully navigated around the flour covered cloths that had been scattered on the floor in favor of the shower.

The Steam curled in the man was using hot water, which did make it easier for the spy crab to move. The showers were just an open tiled room with many faucets lining one wall. The drains were near the faucets and the soap was usually kept in the right corner. Spy crab used the soap corner to hide and wait for the perfect moment.  
It had been sniper who had been pranked, he was still grumbling about the scout and the demo man.

Spy crab covered his mouth with one of his claws, a habit he still retained from being human. Not that anyone could hear a crab laugh anyways. The sniper’s insults had always been laughable most of them couldn't even qualify as insults. The others were childish, as if a five year old had searched their mid for the most offensive words, like poopy and then put them in a sentence; comical.

Sniper did present a bit of a problem though, he was tall. Spy crabs were short. The butt would not be easy to get at all, he'd have to back up and zoom in. If he could figure out how to do that with pincers; he was also afraid of somehow breaking his camera. He decided he could do a perspective shot or something as long as some of the butt showed up and you could tell whose butt it was. Or you could scientifically guess whose butt it was.

Spy crab waited he knew the showering habits of each RED by now. Most of them usually took a few minutes enjoying the heated water near the end of the washing rituals; with the exception of the soldier and the heavy. The former sticking to a strict timetable and the latter usually ending up with the medic for back rubs and other things. Spy crab quivered and shut off that train of thought before it crashed and burned.

The sniper uttered some Australian nonsense, and turned the dial to a higher heat setting. Spy crab inched closer until he was just outside of the shower’s spray. Maybe in the future someone would make a water proof camera, but spy crab couldn't find an application for one besides taking naughty images in the bathroom.

The sniper turned off the taps and braced him-self against the wall. Spy crab took his chance and darted towards the sniper on claw on the flash button. He tilted the camera a bit and snapped the photo, the camera made a click and a soft whirr. The sniper snapped to attention.

His head whipped around looking for the source of the noise. When he couldn't locate it he dashed out of the shower and to his locker. Tugging on a pair of pants he left quickly. Spy crab gripped the photo gleefully. Perhaps being so short was worth it, the man hadn't even seen him even when Spy crab was right next to his feet.

Spy crab moved back to his locker home and lovingly tucked the image under his rag bed, where the heavy was less likely to find it. He carefully placed his camera on the rags. Then he returned to his water bowl, it was not to drink but to sit and relax in. he wiggled his legs at leisure letting more water flow over his gills. He learned more about his crab form from the medic, funny to learn about himself from another; refreshing for him, after all finding out about others got a bit tedious.

The sniper burst into the kitchen.

“There is a spoi in the showers!”

He was greeted by flabbergasted faces; the scout broke the silence first. Laughing his head off and pointing at the sniper. The engineer gestured to the corner and there the blu spy was trussed up like a pig piñata. The heavy was using the tiny scout’s bat and poking the blu Spy with it none too gently.

“we found’em when your were floured, the cloak didn’t help him too much when he was covered in flour as well.”

The engineer explained, the man offered him a seat at the table and fresh beer out of the fridge.

“but oi heard a noise”

The heavy perked up, his face splitting into a massive grin.

“It is my leetle crab; he likes to roam de showers. He won't hurt you.”

The sniper rubbed his head unsure of what to make of the strange noise, he didn't see a crab that would be something you'd see and remember a crab in the showers. He sat next to the engineer and took the offered beer he was going to need it.


	3. TAKE ME OUT TO THE BALL GAME

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> implied solly/shovel romance; just implied

The next image turned out to be pure luck. Spy Crab had been exploring the showers with his camera like he did every night. His grand thought of butts had been interrupted by the heavy; schemes of crabs tend to take the back seat to human plans. Spy crab tried to get the heavy to leave him to his scouting, but no such luck. The fat man scooped him up and took him to the common room.

He clicked his mouth parts and poked the heavy’s thumb before trying to bite it. Heavy of course mistook the crab bite as a sign of affection, rather than a pissed off crab.  
“da leetle crab is kissing me.”  
The camera was in the heavy’s other hand; Spy crab waved his pincers at the camera. The fat man seemed to take pleasure in keeping the camera away from Spy crab. He would always move it far away from spy crab when he wanted to play.

Spy crab was still unsure of who gave the fat man the idea that a crab would make a good pet, much less one to play with. He had a sinking feeling it had been the medic, even if they did had something going on. The fat man was a person that one could get overwhelmed by; maybe sending the heavy off to play with his crab was a way for the medic to finally get some personal time.

The Heavy met up with the medic and engineer outside the common room. The engineer greeted them and tried to peek at what was in the Heavy’s hands.  
“neyt! Wait for my turn!”  
Heavy spoke loudly as he held his hands up above the Engineer’s head, Spy crab snickered the Engineer was hopelessly short; he’d never be able to see.  
“Sorry big guy just got excited. Ya'know.”  
“da.”  
Heavy responded accepting the apology and moved into the room. The engineer closed the door and sat down at the table. Spy crab managed to see that all the REDs were present before the Heavy’s other hand came down on him successfully hiding Spy crab from the other’s view.

Spy crab managed to poke one of his eye stalks out of one the crack between the fat man’s fingers. He saw the Pyro holding a picture to his chest, the soldier had his shovel on the table, the engineer smiling with his hands folded. Scout was messing with a bat, sniper with what looked to be a crocodile head, demo man had a sword on the table, and the spy was smiling smugly at the scout. The medic was obscured by the fat man’s girth.

“Okay who is going first?”  
The engineer spoke, he looked at everyone.

“hudda!” the Pyro stood up and showed off his picture. It was an image of a large fat cat.  
“hurrr marrrl kaakko, hudda!”  
Pyro man a few more muffled meow noises before he sat back down, and continued hugging his picture. The engineer looked around the table again.

“Man this sucks!”  
The scout spoke loudly, he looked at Pyro.  
“I thought you said you had something awesome! Not some stupid cat.”  
He complained loudly, Pyro’s shoulders fell.

“Now wait a second scout, that cat was pretty neat. A male calico, that’s pretty rare.”  
Pyro nodded vigorously, scout merely folded his arms and pouted. The engineer looked at the spy.  
“Now spah, since this was your idea do you have anything to show.”  
The spy blew a smoke ring and placed one of his hands on the table.  
“oui,”  
He pulled out a crumpled picture, and showed it off.

The revulsion of the picture was palatable; Spy crab couldn't see what it was but based on the reactions of the other team mates it wasn't pretty.  
“Dude, she is all old and wrinkly.”  
Scout complained loudly, Pyro seemed to be snickering at scout’s expense.  
“I'll never un-see that.”  
Scout shuddered, and the spy tucked the image away.

Spy crab startled as the fat man removed his hand from Spy crab.  
“Dis is my leetle crab; e’s Photographer.”  
Heavy put spy crab on the table and put the camera in his pincers. Most of the teammates were staring at heavy like he'd just gone around the bend. Sans the medic since he was still obscured by the Fat man’s girth. The scout looked like he was about to explode in laughter. Pyro was wiggling his fingers at the Spy crab. Spy crab scuttled over to Pyro and snapped a shot of the fire bug. He used one of his claws to offer Pyro the image; Pyro accepted it and tucked into the frame with his cat.

Spy crab returned to the heavy, hearing scout scoff at him. The heavy beamed at his crab before turning his attention to his other team mates. Soldier showed of his loyal shovel, Engineer showed of the gunslinger, sniper told a story behind the crocodile head, demo man showed of his sword and then told everyone that it told him things before promptly falling into a drunken sleep.

Medic broke the awkward silence with showing off his pet bird Archimedes. Scout was still complaining about everyone’s items. So much in fact that Pyro had left during the Scott’s man telling of the broad sword. Medic gave the scout a cold look before answering one of the engineer’s questions concerning bird keeping. Archimedes having taken up residence on the soldiers’ helm cooing the soldier didn't seem to notice, for he was whispering sweet nothings to his shovel.

Pyro had appeared carrying a sack of something, the sniper saw it and shifted away from pyro probably remembering the flour incident. Scout stood up and announced he was going to show and tell now, the medic glared at the scout but sat back down. The scout stood up and started to tell his team mates about his bat.

Pyro snuck his gloved hand into the scout’s waste ban, and pulled it. The scout made a yelp and turned to see the Pyro dump the sack’s contents into his pants.

“Hey!”  
Scout cried loudly  
“What are you doing?!”  
Pyro made a noise and held up the bag pointing at the label.  
“Itching powder?”

The rest of the table snickered in amusement as the scout started itching; he pulled off his pants and started to rub himself against the carpet. Sniper chuckled and put the crocodile head on his head and left the room. The soldier snorted and left with the engineer. The spy stood and looked at the Spy crab, and smiled cruelly.

“Shame, this won't last longer.”  
He vanished in typical spy style, Spy crab scuttled away from the Heavy’s hand and looked down at the scout who was scooting around on the floor, and his underwear had been discarded.

He snapped an image of the scout scooting around on the carpet with his butt a bright angry red. Pyro snatched up the image and looked at before cackling and handing it back. Spy crab made his way back to the fat man. Who was petting Archimedes; Spy crab hissed at the bird and waved his pincers in a threatening manner. The fat man was his!

It was the medic who picked up Spy crab as the heavy carefully picked up Archimedes. They left the room, the Heavy vanished and the medic put spy crab back into the heavy’s locker. The man stood back and looked at spy crab before sighing and leaving.

Spy crab carefully put the image of the scout’s butt next to the Sniper’s under the rag pile. Placing the camera down on the rags Spy crab turned to the bit of food he’d saved and started feeding on it.


	4. ONE EYED MONSTER

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> what has one eye, tons of melin, and never enough fan work on him? My favorite character

Let me tell you of the epic tale of spy crab and his quest for butts:

“There was this beast a black and unruly beast; a one eyed monster. It lurked about the base crying out in monster gibberish. No one seemed to enjoy the monster’s company, this made the monster sad and rather talk about why it hurt, the pain it received from its team mates. The monster drowned its sorrows in liquor, starting a vicious cycle of hate and self loathing.

This story has nothing to do with helping the poor black one eyed monster, or maybe it does. This story is of Spy crab overcoming great obstacles in his way to get to the butt. It is an epic quest, and will not be in prose because that would be too hard, and not appreciated by the readers.

The story starts with the RED faction losing horribly to the BLU faction. Most of the blame falls on the one eyed monster for blowing up his own teammates and being excessively drunk. This leads to fighting, and the one eyed monster drinking even more.

Thus the story begins, it was a dark and stormy night and by stormy I mean not a cloud in the sky. The moon was out but it was merely a waning gibbous, there was no howling wind present, its cousin the muttering wind was outside. That is of no relevance because the story takes place inside.

Now for….-gack-“

The body of a pudgy man falls to the ground, an umbrella adorns his arm band. A butterfly knife is sticking out of his back and Spy crab hanging from the handle. Spy crab carefully release the handle, and moves off the body before he runs his claws over his body making sure there is no blood on him. He moves off to the side and picked up his camera. Feeling empowered by the recent kill, He does a crabby waltz around the body before scurrying off to get another butt for his collection.

It was as the civilian had stated, RED had lost horribly. Though it wasn't all due to the Demo a great portion yes, but it didn't help that RED team had no sense of strategy. The Scout had the attention span of a chiwawa, Sniper kept to himself refusing to be a team he did do his job, but spy crab felt he could aid in alerting his Engie of the going on since Engie was often left alone and had no way of know much of anything. with all his degrees would spend the most of the battle deciding where to put his sentry as well as some times moving it because he thought it would get better trajectory else where. 

The spy well Spy crab wasn't even sure what that man did besides start fights between other members, Heavy didn’t have a strategic bone in his body; the Soldier had a habit of being distracted by moving shiny objects. Spy crab was surprised the BLU’s hadn't noticed the man was trying to kill the reflection from the mirror the BLU scout had brought into the battle.

That left the Pyro and Medic; they had strategies that mostly included not dying. Pyro would sneak behind the lines and kill as many as he could before he was nailed. Sometimes he’d find the medic in time. The medic had begun to seek out the Pyro, when he heard cries of fire, of course that led to a bit of an issue between Heavy and Medic.

Heavy was not only fat but jealous that medic had started ubering Pyro more. The fat man hadn't realized that charging in without thinking had killed the Medic faster, and lessened the chance of him getting a charge. The way Pyro fought ambush style had allowed the doctor more time and protection. Spy crab had seen how the Pyro would pick up medpacks for his Medic, and when the man caught fire, extinguish it. Regardless if the Pyro seemed uninterested in the Medic sexually it didn't stop the Fat man from being rude to the Pyro off and on the battle field.

The Demo man had blown up both the Soldier and the Heavy while they were trying to secure a point, letting the BLUs capture it with ease. The second point had been defended well but fell when the cover fire Sniper provided was cut short because the RED Demo had attached his stickies to the his sniper’s roost and detonated them.

The man had been ridiculed by his team mates and fled to his room, the hay loft to get smashed. The Medic had snapped at the fat man for attacking the Pyro during the fight. The fat man had gotten angry and punched the Scout, for making a rude comment. He'd forgotten to feed Spy crab too. Spy crab clicked his pincers in irritation before leaving the mess hall.

After the show and tell, the team mates seemed to more or less accept Spy crab, the Scout would threaten to eat him, and the spy sent him speculative glances. Other than Pyro they pretty much left him alone. Pyro had formed a strange relationship with Spy crab; the man would draw childish images of him and leave them in front of his house in the fat man’s locker.

Spy crab actually liked it, maybe he was getting soft. The Pyro would talk to him like he was a human, and make an effort to understand his clicking and arm waving. So in kind Spy crab started to understand what Pyro was saying. He was leaving now though because Pyro had announced dinner was going to be late, and that he was worried about the Demo.

Spy crab felt it would be best to get the Demo’s butt now when no one else wanted to do anything with him. Also he could report to Pyro later that he had checked up on the man, since Pyro was a worry wart.

The journey had not been as long as spy crab had thought; the hayloft was not even a loft it was a small room that could only be reached by a small set of rickety wooden stairs. The amount of glass bottles littering the area confirmed that this was Demo’s room.

The stairs, Spy crab cursed he hated stairs. The wood was not treated and hairy causing his crab senses to go out of whack, he’d only noticed them he realized he was trying to tear off a strip of the wood to eat. His legs got caught in the knot holes, and it took some time to get one leg out only to have another get stuck. Not to mention climbing up each level, he had to hoist the camera above him, set it down, pace off to one side and attempt to climb up. Needless to say he fell down the stairs more than once.

Upon mastering the stairs, Spy crab found the door ajar, enough to let him push it open. Then he sluggishly moved into the room feeling very tired, and winded. The room was dark, stinky, and cluttered. There were more bottles, and various boxes with warning labels all over them. The Scott was lying in the middle of the room with his butt up in the air like a golden fleece ready for the taking. The man had even pulled down the pants for him.

Spy crab heaved the camera; it seemed to weight more then usual, probably because he was tired, and thirsty. He snapped off the photo, and kept the image in his claws. The flash had roused the Demo, he stared at the crab in a drunken stupor. Before he started to go on about how life had been so unfair to him, and woe is me.

Spy crab pinched the finger of the Demo man that had been progressively poking him during the rant. Spy crab then started up on his own rant, about how demo should be happy he’s not a crab, they don’t expect anything from a crab. Anything a crab does can be written off because he’s a crab.

The demo somehow understood the gist of what Spy crab was clicking about.

“yee, right. I don't have it as bad as you.”  
The demo man looked a bit lost. Spy crab started to head out when the Demo picked him up and took him down the stairs, and gently put him on the ground.

“gunna try and fix myself.”  
He burbled before staggering off towards the mess hall.

Spy crab headed for the showers. He sat in the first puddle he found. The Heavy had not tended to any of his needs and he found himself at a loss because of it. Now he knew how much he relied on the Fat man. His only consolation was that Archimedes had not been the one to take his fat man away. The stupid bird had established itself as a threat to his well being. He’d seen the way the Heavy touched it, he was not soft or cute the bird was if Archimedes developed some sort of talent, like his photography he’d be left out in the cold again.

Spy crab decided then that during his butt quest he should look for a way to make sure the bird never replaced him in the Fat man’s life. That thought was slightly disturbing to Spy crab and he terminated it before it could go off the metaphorical cliff.

He approached his room to find a plate with a scribbling of him on Pyro’s head with hearts coming out of it. A letter with chunky letters, declaring that Pyro had dropped off some food and cleaned out his water, as well as thanking him for checking up on the Demo, Pyro also expressed his hatred of stairs as well, by having a crude depiction of them on fire.

Spy Crab sighed he was ever so hungry, he made sure to tuck the photograph away, and place the camera in its spot before getting into his bowl of water. He care fully moved the plate closer to see what the Pyro had made for him. Fish, peas, and cookie crumbs! A perfect meal, he wouldn't eat the peas they where just for increasing his pincer dexterity. He folded his pincers and said a brief thanks for Pyro before tucking in.


	5. REVERSE ENGINEERING (UNFUN ENGIE)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> engineers are rather funny sorts of critters, they are usually very logical however sometimes they over think and the easiest solution is there staring them in the face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> couldn't think of a witty engie thing, this was before advent of chubby engie mod

The next week passed slowly RED still wasn't working together, the Demo man had cleaned up his act. Though now the team fell apart because they were acting as separate entities rather than a single well oiled machine; didn't help that the BLU scout had figured out the Soldier’s weakness reducing the man to a cat chasing a reflective spot, with rocket launchers. When questioned about this the Soldier of course denied it.

The rift between the Heavy and the Medic had widened considerably. It affected the team in more ways then one. Heavy had stopped harassing the Pyro though after he realized that he’d forgotten about his crab, and found Pyro taking care of it.

Pyro had apologized to Heavy, and confessed he didn't particularly care for having the Medic follow him. It made Pyro worry about the Medic when he usually just charge in and burn everything. He’d find himself worrying over the chances of the Medic’s survival. Spy crab knew that Pyro preferred not to really think in battle, and having the Medic around caused thinking and stress. Pyro had told him after all.

“da, I know sorry Pyro”

Heavy had responded, turned out he was more upset at the Medic for not talking over strategy. Spy crab found he was intrigued had he possibly made an error in his judgment? The Heavy seemed more intelligent than Spy crab thought the Man was upset because his Medic had decided not to explain or inform him that they needed to change their strategy. The Medic in fact was treating the Heavy as if a child and the man didn't care for it.

Spy crab raised his pincers at the Heavy, and blew some bubbles. The man loved when he made bubbles. The Heavy grinned and picked him up and the camera.

“We visit engineer, he can help with strategy!”

The Heavy announced loudly, as he stepped out of the showers and started a bouncy gait towards the work room. The Heavy was skipping.

Even though Heavy meant to talk to the engineer over the strategy he got sucked into cleaning his gun and showing it off to Spy crab. He eventually got so into cleaning it that Spy crab wandered off towards the engineer. Who was working on his dispenser, he was too absorbed in the darn thing to even notice Spy crab. The Engineer reached for his wrench only to find it missing.

“Damn it Spah!”

The Engineer got up and started sifting through the stuff in the workshop to find his wrench. Heavy wandered over and patted spy crab on his head.

“I get more metal for Engineer.”

Heavy left leaving Spy crab with a frustrated Engineer, Spy crab sighed and smacked his pincers against the dispenser. It blinked on and started to upgrade. Spy crab walked around it amused that he managed to make it work at all. The engineer came over frowning at the dispenser till he saw Spy crab next to it.

“well'all be.” 

The Engineer sat next to Spy crab; he leaned back against the dispenser. The man started to whistle a tune. Spy crab clicked along to the tune, the door opened and Spy crab thought Heavy was back, but no one entered. Spy crab lugged his camera onto his head and stared around.

He was sure the Spy had entered probably trying to infuriate the engineer some more. A slight gust of wind tickled his legs he swiveled and snapped a shot with the camera, a bag of something flew through the air, and the RED Spy fell over backwards. The Engineer was coated in the remaining flour; he stared hard at the RED Spy who looked to be unconscious before getting up.

He picked up Spy crab and headed down towards the showers.

“Thanks again lil guy, I know Spah just wants attention. But I wish he had a bit more sense to just ask for it.”

They passed the Heavy’s room, when they heard the man say ‘kees me’ loudly. It caused the Engineer to speed his bow legged gait up. Spy crab clicked happily, since the fat man’s gun was back in the workshop the only other person he’d say that phrase was to the Medic. Hopefully they had made up.

The engineer set spy crab down in front of his home. Spy crab followed the Engineer into the showers, readying his camera. The man took forever to remove his flour covered cloths, helmet and goggles. Finally the man got into the showers, and started washing. Spy crab didn’t follow this time; he decided he'd wait for the Engineer. Since the Texan was far more observing than the Sniper.

He was sure the Engineer would notice him in the shower with the camera. He did not have to wait long, the Engineer was out shortly. He started for the towels, and on his way to them Spy crab took the picture, the camera made a funny noise and Spy crab dropped it and took another image of his own face.

The flash hurt his eyes started to water up and oh he couldn't see anything! A shadow covered him and his camera was removed. Spy crab grabbed at the photos he still had those, good. He looked up and saw the Engineer looking at the camera.

“say for helping me, I’m gonna make this more crab friendly for you; it’s the least I can do.”

The engineer smiled, Spy crab noticed his vision was returning. The man had already put his goggles and helmet on. He was wrapped in a towel and was now looking at the camera, and muttering. Spy crab watched the man leave the room with his camera. He was still shocked from the flash. He looked down at the pictures a butt and his face.

Well at least one of his objectives was filled; he'd have to wait till the Engineer returned his camera though. Spy crab slipped the butt image into his stash and looked at his own picture. He was pretty ugly, though it looked like he was turning a darker color of blue if that was possible? Maybe it was purple. He stared harder his left side was a far handsomer crab then his right, he cleaned his eyes it was possible he was seeing things.

He sighed and carefully put his face image in the Heavy’s shaving jar, for the man. Now that the Heavy was no doubt in a better mood, having made up with the Medic; it meant that Archimedes could try and take Spy crab’s place as the Heavy’s pet. He needed a sound way of disposing of that bird, without the Medic knowing.


	6. INTO THE FIRE

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pyro is the hardest character to write for

The war with Archimedes was on. Without his camera Spy crab felt a bit useless even redundant in the presence of that dratted bird. His Heavy was more inclined to coo and cuddle the bird than him. They were at the table, and he was stuck watching a nauseating display of affection to the darn bird. The medic was humming a tune while cooking food for Heavy. He clicked his pincers displeased that he’d been moved to the other side of the table for bad manners.

He’d been blowing bubbles out of frustration, but Heavy had assumed he was doing it to get attention. The man had chastised him.

“leetle crab bad, do not fight with Archimedes”

Spy crab looked over the rim of the bowl he’d been put in as time out. Normally he'd try getting out, but as of late he'd been too tired to do much of anything; and been hungrier than normal too. Some of the things he'd eaten had not been suitable food for a human. He dropped his pincers and rested in the water at the bottom of the bowl. His belly was touching the bottom of the bowl it was cold but he couldn't bring himself to care. He idly wondered what the life expectancy of a crab was.

Anyways the displays of affections were beginning to bother him; he was a bit jealous the Heavy had never spent much time with him anymore. He'd get his food and his water changed out and maybe a few pats on the head but that was it. It was probably because he was ugly, and prickly to touch, and he smelled like stale wharf. His eyes drooped and closed, he could feel the medic placing the dishes on the table. Noises of food being eaten, oh he was so hungry! He popped one eye open and lifted a claw up and banged it against the bowl. All he got to see was heavy feed a bit of food to Archimedes. He dropped his arm, and closed his eye he didn't need to see this.

The bowl shifted and he opened his eyes to see the Medic being fed by the Heavy, nauseating. He looked upward and found himself staring at the cold glass panes of pyro’s gas mask. Pyro’s hand enveloped him and took him from the bowl. The heavy didn’t even notice. Spy crab clicked a few times before becoming limp in Pyro’s hands. The Pyro looked him over before waddling out of the room. Spy crab looked around he was being taken to the engineer’s work shop. Had the man finished?

Pyro took him inside the engineer was holding a smaller camera. Pyro offered spy crab to the Engineer. Spy crab tried to muster the enthusiasm but could only half heartedly wave a pincer around.

“Here you go ‘lil guy.”

The Engineer frowned; the crab wasn’t looking so good. He looked up at Pyro.

“He doesn’t look so good, Pyro maybe take him to the showers and give him a warm bath, and some food.”

“Surr, Ir dooo that.”

Pyro moved the Spy crab closer to his chest and waddled off to the kitchen. The kitchen still held the Medic and the Heavy except the Medic was sitting in the Heavy’s lap bouncing and there was pudding on the Heavy’s chin and the Medic was attempting to lick it off. Pyro made a gross gagging sound before scooping up a bowl of chili and leaving in a hurried manner.

The trip to the showers was quick, spy crab rationalized that Pyro being a private sort of person preferred not to see other’s in acts of love because it put Pyro in an awkward position. Pyro placed the bowl in front of Spy crab as he sat on the bench to supervise. Spy crab started eating the chili slowly at first but then he started attacking it greedily. It was Engineer’s chili and it was delicious even if it was cold.

The pyro got up and cleaned out the water in Spy crab’s room, and cleaned up the old stale food bits. Spy crab picked up his camera and scurried towards the showers clicking happily. He felt much better now that he’d been able to eat his fill.

He tapped his claws as he waited for Pyro to enter; He’d been researching the Pyro of course what Spy doesn’t research his targets? Pyro liked to shower at odd times, the Pyro actually liked to shower with Spy crab.

Pyro turned the knobs to full heat and removed his gloves and boots, hands stained by vitiligo opening the suit a bit to rub water on the body. The Pyro never removed the suit all the way, Spy crab was glad crab’s didn't have great olfactory sensors the man must smell ripe.

Pyro mumbled something and picked up the soap. Carefully lathing the skin, pyro crouched to get the maximum amount of the water jet to spray into his suit. It seemed that the fire suit was also being washed at the same time the man washed his body. Spy crab darted in and snapped a picture of the suited butt. The camera was easier to hold, and quieter now.

The picture came out and Spy crab clutched it in his claw as he retreated back to his room. He followed the motions of hiding the image and caring for his camera. He heard the Pyro finish his shower and got into his warm water. Ah! It felt nice on his stiff joints.

Pyro gave him a gentle pat on his way out of the showers and moved the bowl of chili into the Spy crab’s house.

“mrrt eet hurry arrgn, uu muttng”

Pyro muttered as he poked at the opaque joints with his glove. The man was totally geared up again. Spy crab blew some bubbles and waved his claw. Pyro knew more then he let on. Spy crab was happy to have him as an ally.

As for molting he suppose he was, his shell had been feeling cramped as of late and it could explain his sudden increase in food intake. The sluggishness too, he hoped the molting wouldn't take to long. Now that he had his camera back he wanted to continue his quest for butts.


	7. PRIVATES!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> some language, and possibly butts ahead

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was my favorite chapter to write.

Even with the new and improved camera, Spy crab had been hesitating to get close to the soldier for obvious reasons that man was off his rocker. Volatile at the slightest provocation, the man had exploded at the scout the other day for not being up for their morning run. He had just finished his molting too; he was a purplish color now. Soldier had approved of the new color being less offensive. Though Spy crab’s new shell was still soft, so he’d taken to having Heavy carry him around when the Heavy stopped bye.

Heavy was spending more time with the Medic’s insufferable bird. He still came to feed and take care of Spy crab but, the times where heavy would lay on the floor and talk to him while petting his caprice were long gone. He made do with spending time with Pyro and the Engineer. Spy crab hung out mostly with Pyro though the Engineer was usually very busy with his work, as well as keeping the team functioning as a team. Demo man had started hanging with Pyro; the one eyed Scottish Cyclops seem to go out of his way to greet Spy crab. He of course said it was because he knew how bad it felt to be ignored, Spy crab silently agreed; even if Spys were to remain unnoticed.

Pyro and Demo had engaged in a boring game of checkers, when Spy crab decided it would be best to scout out the Soldier, it was either that or the spy. He didn't want to admit, but he was going to need some help to capture the Spy. The man must shower cloaked or something because Spy crab never saw him in the showers. He was also french, and even if he was a fellow country man spy crab knew there was a reason the French had gained that particular stereotype.

The war room, was covered in maps Soldier was ranting at his shovel which was propped up in the near by chair. Spy crab used one of the hanging maps to get up onto the table. He then looked over the pins and marks the Soldier had made. The man was trying to plan an attack that would succeed.

“Negatory! Grandma Nutt has the intelligence.”

The man frothed at his shovel and pointed to a map right in front of him. Spy crab moved closer out of curiosity. He clicked his claws in disbelief the Soldier was using the candyland board game as a map? He scuttled over to a blank sheet and grabbed a marker he would draw up an attack for the Soldier, with a diversion. Maybe he could get the Spy’s rear after all.

The soldier actually leaned over spy crab as he worked. He waved his claw the man was in his light. The man folded his arms and guffawed.

“Continue Private!”

Spy crab clicked angrily and returned to his plan of attack, trying to pair each team member with others that they worked well with. Scout seemed to be a lost cause though, but he was to get the intelligence anyway. It was a very strange plan, Spy crab realized as he backed up from it; everything was riding on the distraction. He waved his claws at the Soldier and pointed at his plans. The man looked over it his hand on his chin making grunting noises as he looked over the plans.

“This might just work Private!”

He yelled loudly, shaking his fist at the sky.

“Those despicable BLUs will never know what hit them!”

The man hand landed on the distraction post, he tapped his helmet.

“I don’t trust our frenchie to do the distraction, I shall do it! Do you have any plans for what type of distraction?”

The last part was mumbled, the Soldier looked a bit miffed most likely wracking his mind for a suitable distractions. Spy crab took the marker and carefully wrote out the distraction plan. He eyed the Soldier nervously; the man grinned and tapped Spy crab on his back.

“I like the way you think Crab! I’ll give them the best distraction ever! Those BLU faggots won’t know what hit them.”

Spy crab left the Soldier who had become busy with prepping himself for the distraction. Spy crab was in charge of giving the Engineer the attack plans, He did so. The Engineer looked downright confused at the plans.

“I guess this could work, ah ain’t never been on the front lines though,”

He admitted, as he rubbed his head under his safety hat. He looked over the plans a bit more before cracking a smile.

“shoo, this will work; its brilliant. Ah know solly’s gonna give his 100% to this distraction. Thanks lil guy for helping us with this.”

The engineer patted Spy crab on the head, Spy crab merely waved a claw at the man and left. He had to rest up, there was no way he was going to miss this.

Spy crab clicked happily as he held his camera high; everyone was in place. They had been briefed and prepped for the battle. Scout seemed pretty hyped up since he was getting an escort of sorts. The Heavy and Medic where back in the base guarding the intelligence and a mini dispenser.

Sniper was in his regular position, Spy was no where to be seen as typical. Engineer was carrying his tool box and was flanked by both Demo and Pyro. Both were doing a good job keeping the Engie from panicking. Soldier hadn't shown up yet, but the distraction wasn't needed till a few minutes into the battle anyways. Spy crab managed to find a prime hiding spot near the bridge to watch and wait. The battle took off without a hitch, Sniper managed to eliminate the BLU’s sniper in record timing, which allowed the Engineer, Pyro, and Demo to set up camp in the BLU’s sewers. Creating a little mini base, the place scout would run though once he had the intelligence.

The BLU soldier was running down the bridge when the distraction came blaring though old musty speakers (green onion). Out stepped a naked Soldier spinning his rocket launcher and marching. The ratty feather boa was a nice touch to the display as well as his gunboats tied up with ribbons. The BLU soldier had stopped confused to the display and was promptly shot down by the sniper. The soldier Saluted and Rocket jumped to the top of the bridge and continued flaunting his nudity to the other team. The grinding against his launcher seemed to make the jaw drop on the opposing heavy, which Soldier promptly filled the gaping hole with a rocket. He then did a victory dance as he wiggled his butt at the gore cover BLU medic; who was shot down bye the RED sniper.

Spy crab rushed in wanting to take a picture of the glorious shaved ass, it looked like the man had even rubbed oil all over his body. The Soldier had jumped of the bridge roof and continued strutting his stuff. Spy Crab raised the camera, only to click in annoyance as the Soldier about faced and began walking away. He lowered his camera and looked around. The scout should be coming back by now. Something hit him on the head; he thrashed his claws around frantically looking for the thing that hit him. In front of him a BLU spy fell. The soldier whirled around and fired his rocket launcher at the Spy blowing him to pieces.

Spy Crab was hoisted up into the air and placed on Soldier’s shoulder.

“Keep watching my back side!”

He barked as he did a little dance and continued his distraction. Spy Crab did watch the Soldier’s back side he thwarted the BLU spy two more times, using the camera flash to his advantage.  
When the battle ended it turned out that RED team had stolen the intelligence multiple times, and in fact was an all time record high. Soldier had saluted the Spy crab for an excellent plan and was going to get him a medal for it. Spy Crab snapped a shot of the man’s butt as he left.

Down in the showers, Demo and Pyro had taken him there the Engineer was talking to the Soldier in hushed tones. At first Spy crab thought they had discovered his stash of butts, so when he raced to his room and found nothing disturbed he left out a breath of relief. He care fully put Soldier’s butt into his stash and crawled out to get closer to the Engineer, to eavesdrop. Well with the Soldier in part of the conversation it really wasn't eavesdropping.

“He did more work then our French bastard Spy!”

“Ah just don’t know, the administrators were pretty strict on this,”

“He was the one who came up with the PLAN!”

The engineer looked at Spy crab and deflated.

“I'll see what I can do.”

The soldier puffed out his chest and scooped up Spy crab, placing him on a sink. The man gripped the sides of the basin and addressed Spy crab.

“Son you done me proud! I’m getting engie to put you in respawn, I’d hate to lose such a valuable CRAB!”

He grinned manically

“Did you see the BLU medic? Practically lusting after my beautifully shaved ass! Shaved asses make you run faster! This body was made in America!”

Spy crab, turned around and did his best butt wiggle which caused the soldier to laugh, it was disturbing. The man grabbed Spy crab and took him to the mess hall where he showed off his new battle outfit or lack there of. The man seemed fine till Archimedes attempted to land on his penis, which cause the soldier to strike the bird down screaming at it. The red stained blush on the Heavy was enough to know that Archimedes’ attempt had been trained into the bird. For what purposes Spy crab and the rest of the RED team did not want to know.

Archimedes had been rushed off to the infirmary, with Heavy. The rest of the team went back to celebrating, in which Spy crab received many toasts.

“To our crafty crab, for helping win the match!”

The soldier interjected a long winded speech that basically summed up that he was glad the crab didn’t have a fetish with genitalia. That he was proud to extend honorary RED membership to the crab, after that it started to wax on about how the combination of oil and shaving one’s ass would double your speed. The scout looked pretty interested too. He couldn't help but bubble mischievously as he rubbed his claws; if they only knew.


	8. I SPY WITH MY LITTLE EYE

Spy crab was very happy the Heavy was spending more time with him, he did not know what became of Archimedes and he did not care. The Fat man was his slave now and all the attention was his as well and he preferred it that way. Spy crab was once again perched on the Heavy’s shoulder as the man moved around the base.

Heavy though had to get used to Spy crab’s popularity, Soldier would commandeer the crab for more battle strategies. Demo and Pyro would invite Spy crab to several of their hangouts which ranged from charades to cooking or rather concocting things and then cooking them. Spy Crab avoided the cooking ones simply because big pots on hot surfaces often reminded him of how most crabs were enjoyed.  
The engineer of course would occasionally request Spy Crab mostly to work on the newest strategy or to borrow the crab’s ear or metaphorical ear. This was one such instance the Heavy was taking him down to the engineer’s workshop. The Heavy was singing a song between bites of a sandvich, it was rather grotesque to watch considering the amounts of crumbs he spewed, whilst eating. Instead of singing between bites the man was singing while chewing. Spy crab managed to arrange himself so he didn't have to see the display, just the evidence that it happened. The heavy was leaving a trail of crumbs. 

The Engineer greeted them warmly and had a little table set up with a dish of water, for Spy crab. The Engineer easily shooed the heavy out of his shop by hinting that he’d seen the Medic in the recreation room. He smiled at Spy crab as the Heavy made haste in that direction. He placed a paper in front of the Spy crab and sat back at his drawing board which was next to the table Spy crab was on.  
The paper was the terms of agreement for the respawn. Spy crab read through it and lingered on the mutation paragraph. He looked back at the engineer who was looking at him thought the vacant lenses of the welder’s goggles. He offered a tight lipped smile.

“Ah thought so, far too intelligent to be just a crab.”

He placed a canister of ink in front of the crab, and unscrewed the lid. Spy crab dipped his claw in and pressed it to the paper. The engineer used a spar cloth to clean his inked claw.

“Suppose you proved yourself to the team. I don’t think a BLU would help unite us into a better team like you have. Ah could be wrong though.”

Engineer leaned down so his eyes were level to that of Spy crab’s and just stared. His hand came up and poked the camera. The other hand curled under his chin.

“I didn't think anything of it, but I suppose you used to be a spy; and that’s why you carry the camera around.”

Spy crab managed a wobbly nod with his whole body deciding it was not best to lie to the smartest, or strongest ally he could get.

“Well I'd take you ovhar our lazy good for nothing spah any day.”

The engineer turned back to his bench, he rummaged through the papers of blue prints and strategies. His shoulders were tense and his left foot was tapping to a mad beat.

“He keeps taking mah wrench, Dag-nabit, I need to teach him a lesson!”

Spy crab clicked in agreement, this could be his chance at catching the RED spy’s rear! The Engineer glanced at him before nodding and forking over a semi clean sheet of paper and an oil pencil. He turned back to his papers to formulate a plan of his own. Mostly accentuating the part where he takes a picture of the Spy’s butt for blackmail purposes. There was no plot on how to get the spy’s butt just that the blackmail would cause the Spy to be in the Engineer’s court.

The Engineer peaked at Spy crab’s plan and cracked a disturbingly wide grin.

“Did ah eveha tell you I like the way you think?”

He tipped his hard hat towards the crab as he spoke. He placed his plan in front of Spy Crab and started rummaging around for supplies for the scheme. Extension cords and some matches, the engineer pulled out some zip stripes and tucked them away in one of his many pouches. Running his hands over the pockets a second time to reassure that they had made it into the cloth sack and not on the floor.

He scooped up Spy crab and the headed down the hall. The Engineer was whistling while walking he knocked on a door that Spy crab had never seen. The door creaked open and the Engineer waltzed in and kicked the door shut. He placed Spy crab on the side table and moved behind the door.

“Spah usually retires to his room in the afternoon.”

Engie pulled out the extension cord and began to prep it for the Spy, he didn’t have to wait long. Spy entered his room half an hour later, He was lighting up a cigarette when he turned to see the engineer. His face showed surprise for a brief second before spy crab snapped an image of him, with the flash on. The spy staggered and tripped over the engineer’s well placed boot falling to the ground with a muffled swear.  
The Engineer gripped the Spy’s wrists and zip stripped them together, he then used the extension cord to tie up the struggling Spy’s legs. He moved the thinner man so the back was facing upwards. His hands gripped the pants and roughly pulled them down. Engineer’s grim face morphed into a shocked one upon realizing that the Spy was wearing no underpants.

Spy crab stood erect on his legs straining to get a good look at what ever had rendered the engineer speechless. There right above the gluteal cleft was a tattoo, it had two poppy plants and a flag with a tiny waffle with melted butter on it and the letters ‘IZ’ under it. 

“Now don’t that beat all, spy you have a tramp stamp, with a waffle.”

The Engineer rubbed his head, previous thoughts lost to the new information. That was certainly not France’s flag. He wasn't to sure what flag it was it looked a bit like the German flag except the bars were vertical and out of sequence. He stared at the waffle a bit longer then necessary. Spy Crab waved his claw; he needed a picture of this. Engineer moved out of the way and let Spy crab get the photo of the tattoo and the butt. The Engineer picked up the photo and waved it a bit to dry then to show the wrassled up spy. 

“Now ah ain’t going to tell anyone of this; as long as you leave mah wrench alone and never enter my workshop again.”

The Spy was still squirming and trying to get out from under the engineer cursing in French. The Engie clipped the zip strips but left the extension cord on and left the Spy to his own devices. Hopefully buying himself some time before the suited bastard decided to plot his own revenge on the Engineer. Engie moved quickly past his workshop towards the shower, He cradled Spy crab close to his chest.

“You should keep the image, Ah know Spah is gonna try and dig through my workshop for it.”

He placed the picture in Spy crab’s claw as he set the crab down on the shower’s floor. He grinned at Spy crab before shuffling off back to his work room. Spy crab tucked it under his rag bed; the images were certainly stacking up under it. He placed his camera down and moved out of the makeshift room settling down in the tub of water and dozing off.


	9. WHAT IS THE PROGNOSIS?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I don't even recall which butt is in this one  
> butt, there is only two left so 50/50

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just now realized that all my chapters are capslock, not on purpose the document I'm transferring from the capslock stands out in the format

Unfortunately, the next day Spy crab was out on his daily walk around the showers when he was stabbed in the back by the Spy. It had taken a bit longer for a crab to die from a backstab then a human; probably because he lacked a spine. So instead of dyeing quickly he scuttled around erratically dripping green blood everywhere. The Spy had left assuming his job had been done; it was Demoman who found Spy crab dying in a corner of the shower.

The man had scooped him up and rushed off to the mess hall still wearing a towel. He did get flack from the scout for being in the towel, but everyone else seemed more interested in what was in his hands. He placed Spy crab gently on the table.

“found’em in the showers, his blood was everywhere.”

The heavy looked murderous.

“Who did this to leetle crab!”

He demanded as he looked around the room, everyone but spy and engineer who were absent from the mess hall, looked at him. Demo fingered the crack in Spy Crab’s caprice.

“It looks like Spy did this.”

It was the unkind cut; the medic peered over the Heavy’s shoulder. He looked perplex, a gloved hand poking the green puddle on the table and rubbing it between his fingers.

“vhy green?”

Demo man perked up, Pyro had come over with a dish of water and poured it over Spy crab, attempting to get spy crab to look somewhat alive. The scotsman was ready to provide some intresting information, rather proud that he knew why crab's blood was green.

“Don’t you know? Green for copper! Copper burns green, oxidized green, and is green for blood.”

The medic nodded and patted heavy on the back.

“zhat makes sense.”

The soldier came over and placed his face in front of the Spy crab. His icy blue eyes held an intense fire, Spy crab knew he was going to start yelling soon, and wished he would die before it happened. Turned out he had no such luck.

“Tough as nails this crab is! Survived Spy’s fatal backstab! We can only hope to be like him someday!”

Scout interrupted the rant with a remark that he didn't want to be a crab, a remark that most of the other team mates agreed with but knew better than to voice it. Soldier bared his teeth at the scout.

“Be that as it may Crab is in our Respawn system!”

With that he used the blade of his shovel and used it to cut Spy crab’s head or face (which ever) off. He then crowed.

“That is how you kill a crab!”

Pyro cover his face and whimpered into the Demo’s shoulder, the demo just patted the Pyro consolingly. Heavy stood up and knocked over his chair, he raised a fist. It was the medic who held him back; heavy turned on the man and opened his mouth.

“Heavy look, crab has been picked up by respawn.”

Heavy looked at the table to see, a small patch of green blood but nothing else. He gave the soldier a dirty look before leaving the room with Medic, Pyro, and Demo as they headed together towards the respawn room.

Spy crab was greeted by the anxious faces of Heavy, Demo, Medic, and Pyro he assumed Pyro was worried based on body language. He felt bigger and well much better. He raised his claws at heavy and opened the pincers; it was the ‘up’ command. Heavy complied but he seemed very reluctant to touch Spy crab.

“What is on crab’s back?”

Heavy used his fingers to poke Spy Crab’s back. Spy crab attempted to look but failed forgetting that crabs lack necks. The medic entered his vision and looked at Spy crab. Spy crab was unnerved he disliked the medic in general mostly because of what lurked behind that benign face. He lashed out with his claw and caught hold of the man’s nose.

“ha-ha got you noze doctuer!”  
Spy crab clicked mostly to himself. Spy crab did not pinch it not wanting the wrath of the man. the heavy rumbled in laughter understanding Spy crab.

“Crab has doktor’s nose, give it back leetle crab. Doktor’s nose would look funny on you.”

Spy crab tilted his body as if he was considering that option, he did drop his claw because the medic had refocused on his back rather the claw, which had caused the medic to be crossed eyed if only for a moment. Well worth it, Spy crab wished he had his camera that would have been more priceless than any of his butts.

“herr, heavy they look like shoulder blades.”

The medic with his nose returned withdrew; he was still looking at Spy crab. The Demo edged into the view, and poked at Spy crab’s back.

“boy-oh they do!”

Pyro nodded and folded his gloved hands, Demo congratulated Spy crab as he left the room, promising to Pyro to finish that checkers match.

Rather than returning to the mess hall Heavy took Spy crab to his room, the medic lingered at the large man’s side. Heavy paused at his room and dropped Spy crab off, he moved out of the room and started talking to the medic. The man was asking if the medic could heal his crab, Heavy seemed rather worried about the shoulder blades. The voices moved off, Spy crab looked around the Heavy’s room clean and utilitarian. Heavy’s massive mini gun was resting on the bed. Spy crab crawled over to it; the man had tucked his gun in he tittered at that.

The heavy returned an hour later with the camera, the dish and a few crab care supplies. There was a plate of leftover dinner that was put in front of Spy crab.

“spy, might try to stab crab again, I keep you here.”

Heavy explained as he pulled off his clothes, the man pulled on a sleep shirt. Then started to undo his belt, Spy crab lunged for his camera and got it ready, small kindness or not he needed Heavy’s butt still and he wasn't going to miss this opportunity. The man was struggling with the belt and something made a popping noise. There was a strained grunt and what was left of the belt fell to the floor.

Heavy’s butt was rather small; spy crab took two shots at it before quitting. He hid the better image and held the other in his claw and waited for the man to put on his fresh boxers. The Heavy turned to him and stooped down, he took the image and looked at it.

“dis is my butt?”

Spy crab shook his body up and down, and then he mimicked the satirical bow the doctor did when he taunted the enemies. Heavy’s face broke out in a huge smile.

“da, doctor loves my butt I give him dis tomorrow!”

Heavy picked up the Spy crab and placed him on the side table next to the other bed. Spy crab climbed into his dish, and watched as heavy settled into his bed. Soon he was to be the master of the butts!


	10. SECOND OPINION

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spy crab gets the last butt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was originally the last chapter, but I couldn't kill the lovely spy crab. his quest was too noble

Heavy did give the image of his butt to the medic, in the showers. Spy crab managed to hide the other image in his nest, before the heavy picked him up and handed him to the medic.

“Be good for doctor,”

Spy crab reached for his camera, clicking his pincers. Heavy did hand the doctor the camera who frowned before pushing it in front of spy crab. Spy crab grabbed it and hunkered down on his legs the doctor’s hands were much smaller than Heavy’s. The trip to the infirmary was quiet the doctor did not speak to Spy crab like the others did.

Spy crab was placed on a gurney and the doctor rattled around the area collecting things, a shallow basin filled with water, towels, the medigun was lowered, a kit of tools, and finally a stool. The doctor opened the kit and selected a metal hook. Spy crab dropped his camera and raised his pincer’s he wasn't going to let this man dissect him!

A gloved hand came down upon Spy crab he felt something move along his leg joints he flailed trying to get through the thick rubber of the Doctor’s glove. The man withdrew on the metal hook was a bit of shell. He placed the shell on a tray, and picked up a tiny syringe, Spy crab bolted to the other side of the table. Playing keep away was really his last resort the gloves prevented Spy crab from doing any real damage to the man.

“krabbe, hold still!.”

Spy crab merely clicked in agitation as if he'd hold still when the man had a needle in his hands. He had no idea what the man was going to do, though his imagination was running rampant. The Doctor leaned on the table, one hand holding his head as if he was debating something.

“Herr Engineer told me he thinks you are man. I think es crazy. I am talking to a krabbe,”

The medic made a frustrated noise before looking at Spy crab; he had stopped scuttling around though he was still watching the medic warily for any malicious movement. The man showed off the tiny needle.

“I need a blood sample, test see if herr Engineer was right.”

Spy crab lowered his pincers and carefully moved closer to the doctor, he could see the disbelief in the man’s eyes. Had he not expected understanding? Did he assume all his team mates had gone round the bend when they talked to him? Spy crab felt justified, the man of science just had his hypothesis proven wrong.

The sample was taken and it was hardly felt. Spy crab was unsure if the doctor had decided to show him a kindness or that taking blood from a crab was vastly different than that of a man. The doctor left with the samples, he could hear the man puttering around in the lab though. Spy crab moved over to the towel and snuggled into it, resting his eyes for a bit.

Spy crab woke to find himself in a small shower with the Medic. He moved around a bit the warm water felt nice he scuttled onto one of the medic’s foot and pinched one of the toes. For the man had left him in the cold infirmary and he’d probably became a stiff crab rock because of the cold. That was the only explanation to the Medic having Spy crab in his shower. The medic shook his foot a bit before sighing loudly.

“Krabbe, schtop. Is mien toe.”

Spy crab let go and roamed off towards the corner of the shower, he looked up and saw Medic’s butt and wished he had his camera. He raised his claws and clicked incessantly till the medic turned around, to glare at him.

“vhat?”

Spy crab clicked his claws as he held them up, clearly the Medic had not been trained in crab gestures. The Medic turned off the water, scooped up Spy crab and walked out of the tiny stall. Spy crab settles down on the floor when the Medic bellowed at the door.  
“Heavy, I know you’re out there, you took thee towel!”

There was a rumbling noise, and something along the lines that doctor looks good naked. The Medic folded his arms and started to fume. Spy crab wanted out he did not want to see Medic throw a bitch fit, he attempted to open the door with his claws and failed.

“Krabbe, go get mien towel, ja?”

The medic opened the door a bit to let Spy crab out, who went for his camera rather than the towel that was nowhere to be seen, someone had moved his camera from the table to the stool. He looked at the stool perplexed how was he to get up that? He raised his claws up and tried to snag hold of the upholstery with no luck.

“ah leetle Crab!”

Heavy eclipsed spy crab’s vision and placed the camera in his outstretched claws. One massive finger stroked him between his eyes.

“ess Doktor still mad?”

Spy crab wobbled a bit and made a few bubbles before waving his empty claw as he headed back into the bathroom. Heavy took the hint and followed him; Spy crab pushed the door open and clicked as soon as he realized the Medic had his rear to the door. Heavy threw the towel of the startled medic and picked up the other man.

“leetle crab stay out of trouble while I spend time with Doktor!”

He laughed as he took the struggling German to the bedroom. Spy crab waved his claw before he did his crabby victory waltz he had all the butts! He scuttled with crab haste to his room to look at all the butts he had. Now that his mission was complete though he was uncertain of what to do next?

He carefully tucked the butt stack away and moved out of his locker room, He decided he would ask Pyro his closest companion. Pyro would understand no doubt. As he moved, he thought maybe he could take up dancing, ballet maybe! Or he could be a good watch out for the team. Soldier seemed to like putting Spy crab on his head like a hat.

Spy crab was so deep in his thoughts that he didn’t notice the smell of cigarettes, much less the knife that came down on his back, till it was too late. He waved his claws at the other spy that was BLU, while he was yelling insults at the spy. The Blu spy frowned stabbed spy crab a few more times till the crab body stopped moving, and he died.


	11. Keep it witty, pretty keep it gay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> back when this was written I received a lot of feedback that spy crab should eventually become hman depending on the chances of respawn. Which I accepted though, he had also chances on becoming a full spy crab again as well. 
> 
> I will not be writing a spy crab quest for blu butts sequel
> 
> Spy crab's name was originally going to be Karka, however in truetf2 fashion his class is his name

Spy crab sighed his head still throbbed the aftereffects of the respawn lingering in his little body. He lifted his hand and rubbed his forehead, muttering to himself too caught up to notice his hand.

“hudda!”

Spy crab looked up at Pyro who seemed to be smaller than before, the grinding noise started up again and someone else flopped down beside him.

“Stupid bloody spoi! Did you get the wanker?”

Pyro lifted up a hand giving thumbs up while staring back at spy crab that was looking between his hand, and the sniper. The sniper had landed on his legs or rather his crab legs, so he was a crab –a-taur or something he rubbed his head at least he could some what communicate.

“holy doodly! Is that Heavy’s little crab?”

The Sniper poked Spy crab in the side, Spy crab’s other arm snapped over the sniper’s wrist, it was still a crab claw. Much bigger though and by the looks of Sniper’s face stronger. Spy crab let go and muttered a slurred apology. He frowned and tried again only to have the same result.  
Sniper pulled out his knife and spy crab pulled away, fearing the worst.

“Mate you’ve got some weird crab human fusion mouth, take a look.”

The sniper held the knife so spy crab could see his reflection, yes it was definitely a strange fusion, and it looked like he had mandibles. He made a few faces in the reflection, everything seemed pretty normal. He shrugged.

“Probably should take you to the doc.”

“hudda!”

Pyro looked a bit lost when he made the move to pick Spy crab up. Spy crab shrugged and followed the Sniper out, sideways. It was still easier to walk sideways; he was sure with time and effort Spy crab could walk like a human with his face facing forward but for now sideways was a nice thing to fall back on.

Pyro was following and making happy noises, Spy crab nodded not trusting himself to talk. Pyro was happy for him, exceedingly so. Wanted to show him off to the Demo, and take him out to the sewers where they could use his skills. Test out his new body, get him a stealth watch and knife and he could be their secret weapon.

Spy crab stopped and looked at pyro. He wouldn’t be able to fit in his home now. He tried to wave that concept to the Pyro, but the fire bug was still prattling on about things they could do, game night, he could eat at the dinner table.

They got to the infirmary quicker than normal probably because he was larger and had a longer gait even if it was still a crab gait. The Sniper pushed in first and Pyro held the door open for Spy crab.

“doc you in here?” the sniper barked as he settled himself on a counter. Pyro was trying to persuade Spy crab on to a nearby table. Which he calmly regarded Pyro with a contemplative face, mostly because he was unsure how to get on the table?

“ach one minute” noises from the back room started Spy crab could only hypothesis that the man was either going over some important records that were for his eyes only, or he had the Heavy with him.  
The doctor looked haggard, as he swept out from his back room; he looked at the Sniper questioning before glancing at Pyro.

“vell?”  
Spy crab clicked over to him and placed his hand on the medic’s rear. The Medic turned around quickly on his heels one hand going for the place that normally held the bone saw. He gasped and took a step back.

“Krabbe?”

Spy crab nodded his hand at his side. The Doctor was pacing around him poking with precision.

“He came out of the respawn like that,”  
Sniper supplied as he got off the counter and started on his way out, Pyro was following reluctantly. Spy crab waved at Pyro who waved back.

“Danke,”

The medic let his hands fall on spy crab’s shoulders, as he steered him towards the bathroom.

“I haff spent the whole night up looking at your samples, come to the conclusion you might haff been a man and here you are half a man. vhy do I bother sometimes?”

The doctor stared up the bath and let it run as he gathered up some supplies.

“Here, take a bath. Vhen you are done put this one and come out. I shall fetch Heavy.”

He placed a white undershirt on the counter and Spy crab nodded as he maneuvered himself into the tub. Oh the water was nice and warm! He sank further down a sigh escaping his mouth as he leaned back against the tub. He relished at being able to itch his chest.

Though he hoped the next time he died he could become more human? But what if he became a crab again? He didn’t like the idea of switching species every time the respawn felt like it. He flexed his fingers and wiggled his legs. When the water grew cool, he got out and dried off his torso. The shirt became impossible when he tried to put it over his claw; he abandoned the shreds of cotton and scuttled out into the infirmary.

He met face to face with the scout who had been clearly looking for the doctor. He was holding his arm awkwardly. The scout freaked out screamed at Spy crab and bolted from the place. Spy crab shrugged and moved over to the counters. He knew his nemesis was here somewhere; it must have been the crab instincts that made Spy crab want to eat Archimedes. There was no sign of the bird.  
The doors flung open and the Scout with the Demo and the Spy in tow advanced upon spy crab.

“That freak’in thing killed the medic!”  
Scout pointed at the scrap of cotton stuck in spy crab’s claw, The other spy gave spy crab a funny look.

“Where is thee, blood boy? If this monster killed the doctuer where is the mess?” with that the spy cloaked and left the room as the doors closed. Scout looked at the Demo, frantically.

“You gonna kill it?” Scout’s voice was strained.

“Its not the loch ness, looks like heavy’s spy crab. He had shoulder blades the other day. Is it really you?”

Demo asked the last part at Spy crab who nodded. The doors to the infirmary banged open again to reveal Heavy and Medic. Heavy was carrying Spy crab camera giving spy crab a deep frown. Spy crab made his way over to heavy and picked up his camera. He snapped off a shot of heavy’s sad face and handed it to the Medic.  
“Where will leetle crab sleep now?”

Heavy asked after a few minutes, the Medic shrugged as he collected a few skin samples from spy crab. Spy crab extended his claw and clicked it at Heavy, who brightened up.  
“leetle crab is part man! Good day!”

It was decided after a group meeting that a portion of the showers were to be converted into suitable living space for Spy crab. Mostly everyone seemed okay around his new form the scout eventually got over his fear of Spy crab and even invited him out for a game of ball every once in a while. His huge claw made a pretty good bat, and Soldier usually came out to enjoy America’s pastime.

He still visited the Doctor for regular check ups; He let the man have his research. Heavy of course was still visiting him, less petting occurred. Something Spy crab did miss not that he’d ever admit to it. He felt as if he was the child of the two men, they way they doted on him. It was a bit creepy coming from the doctor.

Spy crab became their main tactician, working with engineer and demo to formulate plans of attack. He spent most of his time with Pyro how ever, learning how to speak again with his new mouth. Pyro was a very patient helper in speech difficulties. He did often go on hunting excursions with the Sniper into the sewers to collect fish or other critters deemed edible. Spy crab could snatch a fish out of the water a skill that had impressed the Sniper.

Spy crab did not venture much into the battle area he kept mostly to the Red base. He did however protect the intel, where he worked with the Red spy. Spy crab would retire after the day’s work scuttle back to his room that had a strange flap door. There he’d soak in heated water, stare at his butt collage, and snack on anything Pyro had the foresight to leave him. The few times he’d respawn after his initial hybridization nothing had changed, honestly this form was more than he could have ever hoped for he was glad to be at least part human. The crab part afforded him with more advantages though, he could break bones with his claw, he was very fast, and he couldn’t drown all advantages to him.

Just last week he’d finally sneaked in on his nemesis and he’d found that he really liked the taste of birds. Also his butt collage was growing for he’d started to sneak into the Blu base to take images of their butts. You could never have too many butts.


End file.
